What The Beeping Hell?

Throughout the world, therein lies unanswered questions and little mysteries. In Egypt, one wonders how they constructed the pyramids; in Peru, how did those Nazca lines come about? In the North Atlantic, what’s the explanation for all those disappearing ships and planes in the Bermuda Triangle?

Here in Vietnam, why does everyone (including grown men), sip their drinks through plastic straws and eat hunched over on those kindergarten-style, low plastic stools? But my greatest mystery is those ubiquitous beeping horns. What is it about the Vietnamese obsessive compulsion to continually beep their vehicle horns? Most local drivers seem to incomprehensibly keep their thumbs on the offending horn repeatedly, or for long durations – a sort of Repetitive Beeping Horn Syndrome – and in many cases, for entirely unnecessary use. As far as I’m aware, this is curiously native to Vietnam, few other countries suffer this affliction on this scale.

 

Thumbs at the ready on Saigon's streets

Generally, to beep your vehicle horn (once or twice max) is more to communicate significant emergencies or warnings, avoiding an accident waiting to happen, or a pedestrian in the way, or when some dipstick is driving straight at you on the wrong side of the road.

In Vietnam, from your first venture out of the airport, or anytime you step outside, from the early hours to, er, the early hours, you'll encounter the non-stop blare of the vehicle horn – mostly from motorbikes, the main method of transport here. Even from the safe confines of my palace, I can hear the constant sound of horns, resembling an agitated swarm of mosquitoes. When riding in a taxi, I can emphasize why taxi drivers are compelled to beep, swerving to avoid the totally reckless, Kamikaze-like driving of some locals, who appear to have no value of self-worth.

But what I can’t quite fathom is …… motorbike drivers beeping their horns when there’s virtually no traffic on the streets in the late hours, beeps directed at me when I’m walking on the pavement nowhere near the actual road, beeping when they are overtaking just one motorbike, or driving down deserted, quiet side-streets, or as they turn a corner, blah, blah, blah.

Curiously, it’s generally not so bad with the increasing number of private cars, but the worst offenders are the public buses, driven by power-crazed drivers that plough their way through a sea of wayward cyclists and motorbikes, armed with a blaring fog horn that would jar the nerves of the dead.

Be sure to get out the way of those dreaded downtown public buses

Still Beeped Off in Ho Chi Minh City

It was bad 20, nay, even ten, years ago. Upon my recent grand return to Ho Chi Minh City, I (naively) thought the beeping horn syndrome had finally toned down, what with the nation’s new sophistication what-not. But this turned out short-lived, obviously part of my honeymoon phase. Those beeping horns not only “never went away,” but depressingly appear to be “worse than ever.” Now, even when I’m walking along the city’s pavements, I inexplicably find I’m beeped from a line of rush-hour motorbikes behind me, where they shouldn’t, trying to pass!

So, what’s the reason for all this? Is it a nervous driving habit, deeply ingrained in the Vietnamese culture? Or King of the Road competition, trying to outdo each other on the beeping stakes: when one offender beeps, it sets them all off, resulting in one horrible orchestrated chorus. No one notices as it blurs into Vietnam's general background noise. Or is this just part of one mass urgent rush to get somewhere (is this Empress missing out on something, a party perhaps? Where's everyone rushing off to? )

Whatever the reason, it smacks of pure selfishness ("Look at me, I 'm coming through!"), aggressiveness and impatience ("Get out of my way, NOW!") and a distinct lack of confidence in driving skills both personal and everyone on the road. This infernal noise almost borders on the farcical, but day-in, day-out, it can literally drive you round the bend and pierces your very psyche and soul. Noise pollution was one of the contributing factors that drove me away from my beloved Saigon to a far-flung tropical island (okay, okay, there were other reasons too, but you get the picture….)

Many moons ago, when this Empress resided in Hanoi, the late British Actor, Sir Roger Moore, visited the city in his capacity as Goodwill Ambassador for UNICEF. Within a grand, historic hotel in the capital’s French Quarter, I was privileged to meet Sir Roger at a media press conference. As this was his first visit to Vietnam, I asked him what had struck him most about the country. Was it the smiling locals, stunning scenery, or the rapid, socio-economic development far removed from the clichés of Hollywood films? Only here for a brief five days, you could sense his anger as he spoke about Vietnam’s appalling road sense, insane traffic and inconsiderate drivers who beeped their horns constantly. His main memory of Vietnam was that some so-and-so was always “right up his derriere,” beeping their horn and frightening the living daylights out of this former James Bond actor.
“Even James Bond wouldn’t drive here, but I know a few taxi drivers who THINK they’re James Bond,” he sadly concluded.
But let’s get some things in perspective here. Beeping horns may be bad, but then at least in Vietnam it’s a pretty sure bet I won’t get knifed, have acid thrown in my face, assaulted, or blown up by a bomb, a probability in other places. Like a broken heart, you never get used it, but learn to live with it. So here, I’ll just have to go with the flow, literally and learn to live once again with those &%$#ing horns!