Top Ten Must-Do's For My Ho Chi Minh City Grand Entrance

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Ah! Dynamic, chaotic, seductive, sassy Saigon! (AKA Ho Chi Minh City)....

Those first atmospheric charged days back in 1998 kick started the beginning of a long standing love affair with this dynamic, city-on-steroids down in Southern Vietnam. Which, for three times (or even more, as am sure I was here in my last life), would, er, haul me back by the scruff of my regal Empress robes and claim me once again as a resident. So, after a lengthy absence of nearly a decade, once more I will be gracing my presence in Ho Chi Minh City / Saigon… a most unexpected twist. No time to explain why, or to wallow in nostalgia and regale you all with past adventures, as am far too run-off my satin-clad shoes, preparing myself and my “Top Ten Must-Do’s” list for my grand return back to Vietnam's largest, nuttiest metropolis. 



1/ Seek a (New) Emperor… Pronto

Lordy, this point is mega important, albeit points #2, #3, #4, #8 and #9 are pretty critical too. Don’t fancy living in this urban jungle on my own for too long. But where on earth does a Jade(d) Empress find a suitable Emperor in Ho Chi Minh City? T’was difficult enough when I had my regal good looks, but now am fading faster than a rainbow and things have plummeted Antarctic way (I.E. southwards), it’s even more of a Mission Impossible. I doubt I’ll find a regal other half, down HCMC's singles bars, the gym, or slumped behind his laptop at the local café. 

Older?

 
Or perhaps a nice younger Emperor?

 
Or perhaps in-between, a nice middle-aged emperor?

However, there is the Jade Emperor Pagoda in Ho Chi Minh City (yes, really), so I should jolly well go and revisit for the umpteenth time and see if I can find any suitable Emperors. 

(The Jaded Empress post-script: Which I do......so have a peek at my chronicle on the Jade Emperor Pagoda here )


2/ Find a P(a)lace to Live

One of the trickiest of the ten. Location, Location, Location. Do I reside in the newer, Republic of Expats (District 2) across the river? Or do I live the local life in the older, established quarters in downtown Ho Chi Minh City? Wherever I end-up, tis imperative that this home is my palace. And I must pre-check the following criteria. That my palace doesn’t stand next door to a building site, potential building site, a workshop, someone with a karaoke machine, or a new-born baby. That I reside in a serviced abode, with several staff at my beck and call. That it has a lift (elevator) to access anything higher than the third floor (but not too high, as can’t be too careful with safety standards). That it has adequately damp-proofed walls to keep the monsoon rain out and a generator in place for all the sporadic power cuts (outage). That it isn’t too cheek-by-jowl so that neighbours can peek right in. And a palace with good taste, as invariably, HCMC houses solely lack this important prerequisite. Well that little list may just wipe out most of the city's housing supply.

3/ Buy a Bunch of Lotus Flowers 

And following on from that, if I do end-up in a p(a)lace with ghastly taste, I’ll need something to brighten it up, fast. Buy a bunch of lotus flowers, on the street, at the pagoda or local market, preferably early morning; where else could you buy something so exquisite, but so ridiculously cheap? Blooms don’t last long, but at around USD2 a bunch, give or take a bit of tedious haggling, who cares? And when the blooms are wilting, pick the petals and scatter them over your boudoir. And I’ve chosen well. The lotus is one of Vietnam’s unofficial national flowers, a perfect example of how something so beautiful, pure and gracious can flourish out of filth and muck. A symbolic flower of optimism. It’s also quite the sacred bloom, used in Buddhist pagoda offerings and ceremonies.



4/ Brush-up on My Vocab 


And since that was only about fifteen Vietnamese phrases or words the last time I resided here, this shouldn’t take too long (well, along with Mandarin Chinese, it is the joint most difficult language to learn). And after a decade-plus in Vietnam, I still haven’t a clue what the word ‘’Yes’’ is (blame that on too many versions, regional and dialect and evidently, not saying “Yes” that often while in Vietnam). Here, however, are some crucial / most useful ones that I remember…. or should remember:


Oi Zoi Oi = OMG (Hanoian)
Troi Oi = OMG (Saigonese)
Com Sau = It’s okay, don’t worry about it
Khong = No
Mac Qua = Too expensive
Cay ATM o dau? = Where’s the ATM?
Chuc Mung Nam Moi = Happy (Lunar) New Year
Em Oi, Tieng Tinh! = Hey, check (bill) please!

Sadly, even if you do know some Vietnamese, no one has a clue what you’re saying. Especially, if like me, you lived in Hanoi and moved south to Saigon. Or not too hot at languages. Of course, you say, there’s always Google Translator, but inexplicably it comes out with some pretty weird and incomprehensible translations. Normally. I would say resort to mime, but mime isn’t that big (let alone understood) in Vietnam. Maybe just finger point.

5/ Find a Decent Motorbike Driver (or Grab that GrabBike)

Times are hard and believe it or not, this Jade(d) Empress won’t own her own motorbike, let alone a horse and carriage, or limousine service to zip around town (read: cut through Ho Chi Minh City's insane traffic). The ubiquitous motorbike taxi, or “Xe Om” (“xe” = “motorbike” and "om" = "hug," – not that I plan to have any funny business with the driver, mind) is a preferred, cheap as chips form of local transport. But since the age of Smartphone and while I’ve been absent, most residents now grab a GrabBike (even Buddhist monks, as below): on-demand Motorbike Ride Taxi Service, attired in lurid green uniform. All the rage, even for posh regal people like me. They can even pick up food takeaways. Does help however if you can speak Vietnamese. Apart from any future Emperor, this driver could well end-up as the most important man in my life while in Saigon.


6/ Chow Down on Street Food 

When living outside Vietnam, I was constantly seeking authentic Vietnamese street food. Well, sorry, London, Singapore, Sydney, Kuala Lumpur, et al, you may have attempted the impossible and dished-up pretty good impressions, but nothing is as good as street food actually in Vietnam. It’s a perfect storm of the correct indigenous herbs and ingredients, generations-old family recipes and complexities and depth of flavours. And it’s far cheaper here. But more than that, throw into the mix (literally): rude serving staff, hunched over almost concertina-like on low plastic stools tumbling out onto pavements and almost gassed to death from all the noxious motorbike fumes. And don’t even think about going out back and checking the washing up system.
But as soon as I’m back, you’ll find me chowing down street side on my solely missed favourites: Pho Ga (chicken rice noodle soup), Gỏi Cuốn (fresh spring rolls) dipped in peanut sauce, Bun Cha (pork mini-burgers caramelised over hot coals with herbs and cold noodles) and Banh Xeo (deep-fried crispy stuffed crepe wrapped in lettuce leaves). I’ll take the brusque service levels anytime for these dishes.













7/ Knock Back a Cà Phê Sữa Dá 

And ditto. Nowhere quite comes up with a Cà Phê Sữa Dá (iced coffee) like the original in Vietnam. Locally-grown coarse ground coffee beans, slow-dripped through a small aluminum drip filter, the hot, treacle-like coffee poured over a long glass stacked with ice cubes and a glug of sweetened condensed milk at the bottom. Outside Vietnam, I’ve invariably ended-up with the wrong size glass, or heaven forbid, a mug, or ice-cream or whipped cream monstrosities. Pah! And like street food, Cà Phê Sữa Dá isn’t the same without squatting on those infernal, kindergarten-style plastic stools in a street side café. A glass of this off-the-charts icon and I’ll be once more buzzing around town all day like a Queen Bee on steroids.





8/ Invest in Earplugs and Triple Glazing  

Nearly a decade on, nothing has changed, Ho Chi Minh City is still incomprehensibly noisy: incessant beeping horns, ear piercing karaoke singers wailing on lazy/ wet Sunday afternoons, Kamikaze bus drivers’ fog-horning their way through traffic even in residential areas, street hawkers plying their wares with distorted prerecorded tapes until the early hours and omnipresent building site work. Note to self: install triple glazing at the palace and secure a decent set of earplugs to keep all the noise out. Trouble is, it still probably won’t help.

9/ Get My Dong In Order 

There is no smutty double-entrendre here. Rather, Dong is the Vietnamese local currency and jolly confusing it is too. Someone got a bit carried away with the overload of zeros. It’s around one million Dong to USD43. If you’re employed in Vietnam, it’s like your monthly salary transforms you into an instant millionaire(ss), which, er, is clearly not the case in reality. Where else in the world does it pay to be a pauper so you don’t have to calculate all those pesky zeros? Almost puts you off buying a house or car, imagine the zillions of Dong involved. Anyway, hopefully, while in Ho Chi Minh City, let’s hope my Dong will be in safe hands.

10 / Find a Job

What? Silly me. Empresses don’t find work, they find an Emperor to support them in the charmed life they have grown accustomed to. And live the life of leisurely pursuits.








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